borderline

nights like these i wish i had jesus
and a boyfriend by my bed
and you to call

some biological lonliness, desperation
muddies my blood
leaves me waiting, always,
for the next step
the final truth

for that warmth i only had in childhood
that warmth i lost in my youth

dust storm
with grit in your teeth, your eyes, your skin

i remember those clean wrinkles
in your plaid linen shirt
and your pants, soft from the washer

i remember those days with the cool white sheets
when you brought me down to lay there with you
and my legs were smooth under my dress
and my calves rubbed together like silk and honey

and i felt so light, like all that bile was pouring out of me
and i felt clean and warm and alive

and now my feet won't take me too far anymore
and my shoes are old and slap the gound,
stirring up heat and fine red dirt,
and dust is swarming around me
and filling me up
and closing me in

i organize
i press clothes
i smile using my eyes,
extend my hand,
and win you with the alignment of my teeth,
the brightness of my irises

i fix your printer
i soothe you with the sound of a mother's voice
i fry your eggs with onions and pepper

i take exams and feel the flow of knowledge
and the answers are obvious
and i never hesitate
to know i'm right

and late at night,
when the devil sleeps in me
and i can almost feel that blistering void,
i commune with that magic
and take all the world has to offer

and there is no other but me
and i bring the light to my eyes

congenial night
when the headlights and the heartaches fade
into a rush in your ears
or a total lack of sound

dark places
to spill your drinks
and wait for your friends
and feel that broken rythm
again pulsing through the floor

your lovers wait
in double beds with rose-patterned trim
their faces dark
and far away, some long train horn blares
and you wonder what reality is yours

and when the dark silence of your mind
will come to take you home once more

i lay down for no man
and days when i reach down in grass
and feel the dew curling around my fingers
and connect to the coolness and life in the ground
you, in your clumsy shoes, come to trample it all into mud

you, so careless and brash,
destroying the last delicacies of womanhood
flailing into the arms of some man to confirm you
but my soul is ripe
and my body is alive
and i lay down for no man