when there's nothing left to distract you
you are alone
and closer to death

a note you should keep in your pocket
to remind yourself
to get swallowed up in the complaints of each day
clicking away like a gear
this notch the same as the last

did you do enough
did you feel enough
to save yourself from the realization
that you're careening forward into nothing

was this day enough
to tie you down
to really connect you

what happens when you're finally alone
and you recognize your fear
what's the value of love
when it's just another distraction

rolling around in the back of a motorhome
bouncing and heaving down a highway
waiting to cross a state line and see some change out the back window
always invisible
but perceptible in my 8 year old flesh
certain of adventure and progress

later, driving on hot days
strapped into a car, irreverent
with irreverent boys
windows down, my breath caught by a freeway breeze of no discernable temperature
smooth lips like my own
and clean sweat
adventure but no progress
just stasis in the heat
miserable and comforting

later still, nighttime in a passenger seat
lights glancing across the window
even patterns, neons flashing at a club
confined in a clean car with a clean man
ready to take me home
to deposit me back into the real life I didn't manage to escape
despite the smiles and drinks and smoke filling the space between my atoms
no new adventures, just repetition compulsion
and backpedaling to that fork where I took the wrong road

feelings are fickle
happiness and destruction are one in the same