Someday, with or without your help,
I'll overcome the acid, the oil in my blood
The tendency of every atom in my body
To pull towards a nonpolar covalent bond
With everyone who is lonely and sad and cursed with this rotting blood
Like attracts like

But forgive me until I work it out
Until I balance my pH with the right chemicals
Until I sanitize my blood
The things inside me are working against me
And they are pulling me

too excited
amped up on sugar and caffeine
and getting a hunchback
an old lady hump
i want to go out and claw at the ground
dig until i feel the dirt under my fingernails
have a healing spa layer of mud over my skin

dig until the earthworms find me
and i hit bone
and i can bury myself in nature
and the past
and damp darkness

god i want to be out of this room
away from this machine
i want to be chewing weeds
and spitting words
so my fingers, so clearly made for digging,
won't be mangling words on a keypad

i have no more patience for typing errors
no more patience for typing

deep in the night
i feel its waves washing over me
cool like some outdoor breeze
sheets billowing on a line
moonless
all tactility

i feel you like a ghost over me
appearing for this moment
what do you want to give me?

i'll accept it
i'll be your new car
your midnight stream
your comfort
and your desire

what can you give me?

in some private world
ancient
i let myself slip
into that background
communal instinct
out of this personage
i am only body
and lunar understanding

every molecule is impossibly light
transcendent
and vibrating with fire
and you bring all that exists
into me
and we are as dense as everything
surrounding us

you are a stranger
off the spectrum of good and bad
in a series of moments
no time passes
i want you
god

i am a ghost
faceless
nameless
washed out by camera flash
in the night

i am wooden
a hollow tree
carved out
solid
but not sturdy

clandestine

well
I guess I'm alone again

I guess this was always meant to be
my true state
that I can't handle anyone
or no one can handle me
or I just don't deserve to have someone
suffer with me on my haphazard journey through life

and this is why I can't feel religion
because singing at church
can't possibly cleanse the sin in my body
the poison in my blood
can't possibly cure me
and I fight
and I take more
because that poison's all that's keeping me alive

so now, what direction will I have?
no friends who know me
no family to outlive me
no partner to accompany me
through life's million trials

but maybe this is what I should have been looking for all along
this natural state
this proper state
this righteous state

v'always been alone
l'always be alone

and someday, after smelling the same cologne every morning for 20 years, will you feel stuck? will you want a way out but be unable to find one? or will that smell bring you comfort? will it give you your place in the world?

please let me know.

heard a car coming up the road
thought it was you,
coming to make it up to me
then remembered you couldn't drive